President Ostalogie's Corpse

 27th of May, 2021 

President Ostalogie is in a military convoy on the move. The several assassination attempts against him and how comically far the life expectancy of an individual drops once they become President of Zealandia has driven paranoia into him right to his core causing him to maximise his security, committing several acts of tyranny in his struggle to keep both his power and his life. However things are going to play out a little differently than the President has planned.

Pummelling down the road, the President's car's direction is changed from flying down the highway to flying into the air by an IED that had been planted by an anonymous individual. The President is sent flying out of his car and is left for dead, severely crippled, in the wilds of Zealandia.

Ostalogie's corpse (which had been previously presumed dead) is found by the military who put him into a medical coma to ensure his survival. The President, in the military's care, is found by a PMC who put a grenade into his tent to ensure his death. The President miraculously survives the explosion but is unluckily taken captive by the PMC, which will turn out to lead to a fate worse than death.

And now finally, the President reaches his final captor, handed over to her by the PMC. Girlboss Theresa, the Godmother of the Tom Gang crime family. The President is moved onto an operating table, it seems like heaven, all is silent bar the mechanical ticking of a clock, the silence is broken momentarily by the elastic snapping of a Doctor's glove, Ostalogie is currently in hell. Slice slice, chop this chop that, tuck her there and tuck them here and wallah, Zealandia's first trans President. The same scene is created a second time later on during an attempt to make Zealandia's first lobotomised President, but results in just lowering the life expectancy of Zealandian President's again, Ostalogie is dead. God bless her soul.

The President now departs her final captor and is sold to her first caretaker for 10k, then to her second for 40k and then finally sacrificed to her final final captor, Lord of the underworld, King of Evil, Satan. Snake drugged up on ritual drugs (????) dances around, dips a knife in gasoline and lights it on fire and does something or other. I'm sure it was really cool and stuff at the time, Snake is dragged to the underworld, right next to Lil Nas X, where he is instructed by Satan to spread his message and punish Sinners before he wakes up miles away from his sacrifice grounds where there is no corpse to be found.

Joseph Lenin IV sets out, determined to find the President's corpse so that he may lay it to rest. He has spent 40k on equipment to search a cave in which all evidence seems to say the President's corpse has been dragged to. After several hours of squeezing through cramped spaces, rappelling down bottomless shafts and a quick stop for a cheeky cup of tea or two I bet, Lenin locates the corpse of the President. He rushes over it relived to have found it but does not notice the 8 foot tall Maero in the corner until it is throwing him to the ground, Lenin acts diligently pulling out his pick and sinking it into the creatures arm, while the beast shrieks in pain Lenin makes his escape, with the President in arms.

On the same day she died, after being moved from person to person, being sacrificed to Satan and having moved a couple hundred miles at least since her death, the President has reached her final resting place. As the sun sets on the horizon, overlooking a quiet forest in New Albion, Lenin sheds a sweat as he unearths the last lot of soil from the President's grave. He lowers the basic wooden box which is her coffin into the grave carefully, so not to batter her already beaten corpse anymore, says a prayer, and gets to filling the grave. The President can finally rest in peace now, thanks to Lenin's heroic actions.

TROLLED TROLLED TROLLED Girlboss Theresa finds the grave several months after it's burial, overcome by pure greed and convinced the body is worth millions, after frantic and possessed like digging Theresa pulls open the lid of the coffin, which is empty. The President's body has returned to nature, nobody is getting a cent out of her body anymore. Theresa closes the lid and fills the grave. And now, The President can finally rest in peace. For now....................